Lack of confidence is one of the biggest reasons people don’t follow through on goals that actually matter to them. Not because they aren’t capable, but because self-doubt quietly convinces them to hesitate, second-guess, or wait until they feel “ready.”
Confidence is often treated like a personality trait. You either have it or you don’t. For a long time, I believed that too. If you weren’t naturally outspoken, decisive, or comfortable being seen, confidence just wasn’t in the cards.
That belief did far more damage than any lack of skill ever could.
The truth is, confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build. And like anything you build, it’s shaped by your environment, your actions, and what your brain is trained to notice over time.
I’ve written about confidence for years from a business and performance lens. These days, I also see it through a midlife lens, where confidence isn’t about becoming someone new, but learning to trust yourself after everything you’ve already lived. I explore that perspective more personally in my Substack, The Midlife Leap, where the conversation goes deeper than tactics and into identity, choice, and self-trust.
These three shifts made the biggest difference for me, personally and professionally.
✅ Key 1: Surround Yourself With People Who Fit Your Future, Not Your Past
I used to be a wallflower in business settings. Public speaking was one of my biggest fears, second only to the fear of being seen as not enough. My mindset at the time was best described as Sheldon Cooper glued to his spot on the couch. Safe, predictable, and small.
At one point, a former business partner described me as a “lovely person.” It was meant kindly, but what it really translated to was this: great at happy hour, not influential in the room.
That lack of confidence didn’t come out of nowhere. It was shaped by years of bullying in high school and a verbally abusive relationship that lasted most of my late twenties and early thirties. Those experiences trained my brain to stay quiet, avoid risk, and not take up too much space.
The first meaningful shift didn’t come from positive thinking. It came from proximity.
Jim Rohn’s idea that we become the average of the people we spend the most time with holds up because it’s grounded in how our brains work. We subconsciously absorb the standards, expectations, and behaviors of those around us.
The person who showed me this in real life was Denise Mills, whom I met in 2005. She had an energy that filled the room without trying to dominate it. Watching her made me realize I wanted more, even though I wasn’t yet sure how to get there.
Being around people who were already operating at a higher standard shifted my confidence before I ever felt ready.
When you think about the people you spend the most time with, it’s worth asking:
- Do they normalize growth or excuse stagnation?
- Do they challenge my thinking or reinforce my comfort zone?
- Do I leave conversations feeling expanded or depleted?
Through performance mindset training at the Pacific Institute, I learned how my brain worked both consciously and subconsciously. That understanding gave me the confidence to push my comfort zone even when fear was still present.
Confidence didn’t arrive first. Exposure did.
✅ Key 2: Take Imperfect Action (Confidence Follows, Not Leads)
Most people believe confidence comes before action. In reality, it’s the other way around.
Setting goals alone doesn’t build confidence. In fact, for many people, goals increase procrastination because they shine a spotlight on fear. When that happens, the problem isn’t laziness. It’s protection.
This usually sounds like:
- “I need to figure out one more thing before I start.”
- “I don’t want to do it wrong.”
- “What if this proves I’m not actually good at this?”
Confidence grows through action, not planning.
If your goal is to start a coaching business, the surface reason might be money or flexibility. But when you keep asking why, you usually uncover something deeper, like wanting stability, purpose, or the ability to provide for people you care about. That deeper reason matters because it gives action emotional weight.
The most common objection I hear is, “But what if I fail?” And yes, failure is possible. But avoiding action guarantees the same outcome every time: nothing changes.
The brain doesn’t reward intention. It rewards movement.
Breaking a big goal into smaller, manageable steps keeps the prefrontal cortex online, which is where decision-making and confidence live. This is why short timeframes and reverse-engineered goals work so well. You’re training your brain to associate action with progress instead of threat.
This is also why I created my Unfiltered Planning System. Not to make people more productive, but to reduce decision fatigue so taking action feels possible instead of overwhelming.
Hang out with people who fit your future, not your past.
✅ Key 3: Remember Your Successes (Your Brain Won’t Do This Automatically)
The final key is the one most people skip, and it’s often why confidence feels fragile even when they’ve accomplished a lot.
You cannot feel confident if you don’t recognize your own competence.
Our brains are wired with a negativity bias, which means failures and mistakes are stored more vividly than wins. If you don’t intentionally revisit your successes, your brain will default to evidence that supports self-doubt.
Most people can instantly recall:
- a mistake they made years ago
- an awkward moment that still makes them cringe
- a goal they didn’t follow through on
But they struggle to name:
- a moment they handled something better than they used to
- a decision they’re proud they made
- a situation where they showed resilience
This is why comparison is so damaging. Measuring yourself against someone else’s highlight reel erases your own progress.
When confidence dips, it’s rarely because you haven’t done enough. It’s because you’ve forgotten what you’ve already done.
Take a moment to think about a time you were genuinely proud of yourself.
Not because someone praised you, but because you knew you showed up differently. What did you do? How did it feel? What qualities were you demonstrating in that moment?
That reflection isn’t self-indulgent. It’s neurological reinforcement. You’re reminding your brain that you have evidence, not just hope.
This is one of the reasons I wrote Just Another Leap. Confidence isn’t about hype or positive thinking. It’s about recognizing patterns of capability that already exist and learning how to use them when fear shows up.
Want more?
Read 3 Unexpected Ways to Shift Your Mindset to Get Better Results
Final Thought
Confidence isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s something you practice.
It grows when you change your environment, take imperfect action, and intentionally acknowledge your progress. If you’re feeling stuck or second-guessing yourself right now, that doesn’t mean you’re incapable. It usually means your brain is defaulting to safety instead of growth.
Start with one small step. Then another. Confidence will meet you there.
P.S. If this topic resonates, Just Another Leap goes deeper into confidence, comfort zones, and taking action before you feel ready, especially when you’re navigating change later in life.
